Mom: Your father and I are not into buffets anymore.
Mom: When we do the next cruise, we are going to eat separately from our friends. I cannot watch them eat at a buffet anymore.
Dad: Like pigs at a trough!
My mom knocks on my door. I answer it.
Me: “Hi Mom. I didn’t know you were coming over.”
Mom: “Your father is driving me crazy. Here’s 1000 sheets of paper towels I got from Canadian Tire, Truth or Dare on DVD and Jack Layton’s dead.”
Me: “Wait, where are you going…”
About 2 weeks ago, I posted that my mother unknowingly wore one of my “Commie Fag” shirts out in the garden all day. We’re gardening again today and she just came upstairs to ask for a t-shirt.
Mom: “Where is that shirt I wore last time?”
Me: “I have a CN Tower Climb one you can wear.”
Mom: “It’s okay. I’ll just wear that one because I’m going to get sweaty.”
Me: “I meant to tell you about that shirt: it has profanity on it. Also, you don’t want to be referred to as a Communist, do you?”
Mom: “So what?”
Me: “The neighbours will think you’re nuts.”
Mom: “Good! That means they’ll stay away and leave me in peace.”
Me: “Here’s the CN Tower shirt. You’re not wearing the other one again.”
Mom: [walks away] “Fine! But people should mind their own business. If anyone anyone says anything to me today about it, they can just FUCK off.”
A very large black man wearing a black leather jacket with a Bluetooth headset on walks up to my father in Ikea.
Mom: Why Daddy take so long! Go tell him hurry up! Ikea too hot!
Me: Who is Dad talking to? Is everything okay?
Mom: Oh yeaaaaaah. That Daddy best friend! [whispers] They go strip bar together.
I went over to my parents’ for dinner last week and my mom’s kitchen window looks out to a bunch of other people’s backyards and decks.
Mom: Did you know neighbours over there are homosexual?
Me: Oh. I’ve never seen them before. Do you talk to them?
Mom: Yes, I help Paul plant some bushes.
Me: Well, that’s nice of you.
Mom: Paul wear pantsuits. Sometime high heels. Walks like woman.
Me: Well, maybe you can give him some makeup tips.
Mom: They like sit outside and eat. See? They eating now. Boyfriend don’t dress up like Paul. He more masculine.
Me: They look nice.
Mom: Do you know Paul’s boyfriend’s name?
Me: No, what is it?
Mom: I ask you! You know them, right?
Mom: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m still a little sick but I’ve lost some weight from not eating.
Mom: It looks like you gained 10 lbs last month. Don’t tell me you lost it!
Me: Well, I want my abs back. All I do now is sit around in an office chair.
Mom: Do you wear belt?
Mom: If you wear belt, you lose weight in belly.
Me: Mom, that’s so not true.
Mom: WHAT? IT TRUE!
Mom: Do you know how Mama exercise? I clench stomach. No have to move!
Me: Mom, I’m not doing that.
Mom: Try! Wear tighter pants too. No sport pants.
Me: Mom, you’re being ridiculous.
Mom: Look at fat people. All wear sweatpants!
Mom: “A bunch of your neighbours came by earlier today when you stepped out. I was outside gardening and they asked for some buds.”
Me: “Oh, that’s nice. Ya, give them anything.”
Mom: “And some just came over to talk.”
Me: “Great. Finally, my neighbours don’t think I’m a weirdo.”
Mom: “I borrowed one of your t-shirts to garden in because I didn’t want to get my blouse all sweaty.”
Mom: “I wasn’t sure which one so I just picked one that was in the back of your closet.”
Me: “Oh, that’s fine.”
Mom: “I put it in the washing machine.”
Me: “Great, I was just about to do some laundry.”
Mom leaves for home and after the dryer goes off, I bring the hamper upstairs to start my folding.
I finish folding everything except for the last shirt which I didn’t recognize or remember wearing at all this week.
Oh, it must be one of my old shirts Mom borrowed for outside. Hope it fit her okay. It was inside out so I flipped it back:
Oh. My. Fucking. God.
“Mom, you know I’m allergic to cherries. I’ve told you about 100 times.”
“Really? Are you sure you don’t just get cold?”
“What? No, I break out into hives.”
“You should wear a sweater.”
“Did you know polar bears are starving to death?”
“It’s so sad.”
“Well, global warming…”
“Your father says he doesn’t believe in globar walming. One scientist said it doesn’t exist.”
“Ok, but a lot of scientists say otherwise.”
“Your father says that the sun has been shining for millions of years and it’s the hottest thing ever.”
“I don’t get it.”
“You don’t see anything dying from that!!!”