In Hot Water

Me: How was the cruise?
Mom: Okaaaaaaaay, one mean man behind bar.
Me: Oh, what happened?
Mom: He always say “Hot water? I give you hot water?”
Me: What’s wrong with that? Chinese people love hot water. It’s probably saving him time by asking.
Mom: So??? That’s not nice. He’s stereotyping us. Daddy like coffee. Friends like wine.
Me: But you wanted hot water, didn’t you?


Where The Wild Things Are

Deep into her epiphany.

Deep into the bassline.

Surrogate Mom

Me: So Dad seems happier.
Mom: Yes. He no depressed no more. Stock market do good. Citibank!
Me: That’s good. I hope he’s happier with me.
Mom: Yes. But one thing bad. You not have baby or family. Dad funny about you gay life.
Me: Mom, I told you. I can still have a baby but I need to find a partner first.
Mom: That hard. You picky. I give you money to pay woman to have baby.
Me: But what if I want to adopt a black baby?
Mom: No. I give you money. You find woman. Don’t tell Daddy. $30, 000 okay?
Me: Mom, don’t be crazy.
Mom: WHY NOT? Good idea!
Me: Maybe you can have it for me. I laugh at my own joke but quickly realize some of the incestuous mental images that were percolating and I immediately tried to change the subject. So what’s for dinner?
Mom: [yells] I TOO OLD!!!
Me: [still shuddering] Oh mom… Let’s not talk about it anymore…
Mom: I can’t have baby now. IT COME OUT RETARD!!!

The Catch

Even though it goes against your instincts, having your daughter marry a Chinese boy who has Caucasian parents is basically the holy grail. Not only do you know he has been taken care of here, he will most likely have the means to settle down. The catch: awkward holiday gatherings with white people (only a few times a year) and he might have an humanities degree or be vegetarian.

If Only

Remind your daughter at least once a day how ashamed you are of her appearance and mannerisms. Instead of sleeveless tops, your daughter would do so much better in life if she dressed like a Stewardess.

But let it go as she will just grow up to be a “bun muey.” Concentrate on your son.


Always keep an eye on your enemy. Trust no one.


Your daughter should marry a dentist and your son should be a dentist. But don’t ever take them to a dentist. They’re all crooks.

Toying With Us

When your child wants to go to the toys section, what he really means is that he wants to look at children’s lamps. Children rarely communicate what they want to do. It’s best to do the opposite.

Ret’s Get Letarded

Sometimes life throws Chinese parents a great challenge. But life doesn’t need to see it. Invest in cute sunglasses, sedatives and a large awning for your stroller.


If you want the head, you have to send your children to speak with the kitchen as soon as you get there.

Remember, let your children know that ceremonies are always optional but the reception/dinner is always mandatory.

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