A life wasted or piano lessons. These are your child’s only options.


Addressing the Dress

The only time your daughter is allowed to wear a cheongsam is if she is under 12, at her wedding or deserting the family to live a life on the streets.


Curfews are for children who are allowed to leave the house after 7 PM.

Those children are white. And don’t go anywhere in life. Except to jail or a life of drugs.

At a Crossroads

Tell your children they can’t cross the street until they’re 21. Obviously, this is unreasonable but don’t worry as secretly, the real age is 18.
Sometimes it’s okay to come to a compromise but only in your mind.

No More I Love You’s

Always tell your kids that you love them… during the viewing if they ever die first but only in a whisper.
Don’t forget that at least one aunt will faint while clutching a ball of tissues (for attention).

What Went Wong #2

Blame your wife for letting the demon spawn be friends with other races.*

*Most things can be blamed on that sow.

Coo’ Daddy Coo’ Mommy

Keep your children guessing about your adaptability, flexibility and levels of conservativeness. Have these cool terms handy for when you really want to fuck with them:
– Youtube
– Keeping it real
– Diss
– Venti
– Florence + the Machine
– Facebook friend
– L-O-L
– Rainbow party (not what you think)
– Coke Zero
– Totes

Show them you’re not all Chinese newspapers and dim sum.

What Went Wong

It’s just a phase. It’s just a phase. It’s just a phase. I should disown him but then I won’t have someone to do my taxes or Google stuff. It’s just a phase. It’s just a phase.

Don’t Be Square

Never talk about the Tiananmen square Massacre. They won’t understand and will only make you feel trite about talking about it. They wouldn’t understand it anyway because they’re so busy on this Internet thing. The only history you should talk about is how far you had to walk barefoot to school, what kind of rocks you played with as a child because you had no toys and what kind of beatings you received from Po Po (Chinese for grandma on the father’s side) as a child for being an ungrateful little brat.

Doctor Doctor!

Never let your kids stray away from the medical field.* Take them to the doctor as much as possible but don’t follow any of the doctor’s instructions on health, nutrition or prescription medication protocol. Ming Pao Daily News is your real doctor but because healthcare is free in Canada, take advantage of it like you take advantage of in-store coupon displays.

*Actual image of what your parents see when you talk to them. When you’re asking for money, when you’re asking if you can go out with friends, when you’re asking when dinner is, this is what they see. Females will have to consult with another blog as I’m sure they just see through you to the toaster or the television.

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