Surrogate Mom

Me: So Dad seems happier.
Mom: Yes. He no depressed no more. Stock market do good. Citibank!
Me: That’s good. I hope he’s happier with me.
Mom: Yes. But one thing bad. You not have baby or family. Dad funny about you gay life.
Me: Mom, I told you. I can still have a baby but I need to find a partner first.
Mom: That hard. You picky. I give you money to pay woman to have baby.
Me: But what if I want to adopt a black baby?
Mom: No. I give you money. You find woman. Don’t tell Daddy. $30, 000 okay?
Me: Mom, don’t be crazy.
Mom: WHY NOT? Good idea!
Me: Maybe you can have it for me. I laugh at my own joke but quickly realize some of the incestuous mental images that were percolating and I immediately tried to change the subject. So what’s for dinner?
Mom: [yells] I TOO OLD!!!
Me: [still shuddering] Oh mom… Let’s not talk about it anymore…
Mom: I can’t have baby now. IT COME OUT RETARD!!!

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